I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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