How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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