Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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