I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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