so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
