So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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