I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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