Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
