it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
True strength comes from lack of pants
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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