it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
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