I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
