yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
