made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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