Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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