Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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