Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
