I'd wear matching sweaters with you
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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