Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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