I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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