I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
