I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
