I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
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the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
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You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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