this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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