How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
