I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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