The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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