I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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