Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
