I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
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Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
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He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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