Im at strip club and am horny
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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