You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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