I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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