my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
