If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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