She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
