You're a womanizer and a bitch.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
