i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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