i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
