I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
