it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
