Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
