She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
