i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
