So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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