My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
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I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
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You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I FOUND THE LEGS
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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