this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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