I wish I could punch you in the face.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
