i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
