I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
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I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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