Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
grandma shit on top of the toilet
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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