This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
