Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
