Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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