My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
