woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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